Sorry Not Sorry

So many people not sorry,
they have their own t-shirt.

Last year when my teen daughter stole an electronic gadget, she initiated a gazillion microblogging site accounts. It was almost as literal as a kid in a candy store. I caught on after a few days & went back to read through her accounts to see what was up (digitally, yo). One of the phrases she used with consistency was a snarky, "Sorry not sorry." Its the anti-apology, if you will. It made me nuts. Seriously, crazy.

Mostly my insanity of that inane phrase is derived from the fact I am, in fact, apologetic about everything. I feel guilt for everything. I was probably the only little kid turning themselves into their parents for doing something possibly naughty. 11th grade: I ditched (literally) half of the year, turned myself into the Vice Principal. He told me to go home & relax. WHAT?!

I find myself apologizing for global warming (even though I don't buy into it...but that's another blog), the Lindenburg baby- all my fault, ISIS- totally on me. Crap, I'm pretty sure why the US didn't win more medals in the last Olympics- my bad. Get the drift? I feel bad for everyone, about everything. I apologize A LOT (friends can verify).

So here's my conundrum: I'm raising my niece, I refer to her as my daughter. She calls me Tia. She has contact and is beginning a relationship with her biological mom (my sister). We refer to my sister as "Your Mom." And here comes the I'm sorry part.

I am constantly explaining myself, my relationship, and apologizing for the situation. Quick example: My sister promised my daughter she would buy an expensive pair of boots. I took my daughter to the mall to try them on. They fit, shouts of joy all around. But then the awkward but typical conversation:

The sales lady then turned to me and asked, "May I ring these up for you?"

"No thank you," I replied, "her mother will be buying them."

"Oh, that's nice you have a wife to support you!" she states, a little overenthusiastic.

"No- actually her mother is my sister. This is my niece. I'm raising her. Sorry for the confusion."

"Oh, so you're a single mom?" she states with a lamented tone.

"Well, yes. But we'll be taking those Vans. Hahaha." Painful smile coming from me because I face this situation all too frequently.

I think part of my frustration comes from my own mind (fear, assumptions), and part of it comes from the ultra conservative culture of the state I live in (Utah).

For me, there are days I feel I will never be enough of a mother. My daughter has overcome a lot of things from her childhood, and continues to work to overcome still more. I do what I can to foster her love of the world, to teach her to be happy, to make sure she knows she is loved by me- and by her biological mother. But, I think as with all parents, there are days of feeling inadequate. We love our kids SO freaking much and want them to HAVE JOY. And do their homework, and not be slobs, and have fun...the list goes on. So perhaps the biggest lie of "Sorry" is I'm not sorry that I get to be a part of this amazing young woman's life. I need to have more faith the Lord has set things on a course which He has prepared and I need to have the faith to follow.

The cultural frustration of apology is absolutely culturally driven by locals (although it has improved over the years). Being a practicing Latterday Saint (LDS, or Mormom), I do attend church and activities. There are times I feel stigma because I am a.) single and b.) a parent c.) a single parent. People can be quick to judge without knowing circumstances. When people first met me and my daughter, without knowing the background, I got a lot of, "Oh...so is the dad in the picture?" and "So its just the 2 of you then?"

I know people do not mean harm, but when you get these prying questions frequently, and then sit through lessons about how a family should have a strong mother and father...a lot of guilt gets added to my shoulders. Again- I blame this on myself. I am prone to take things internally, and not verbalize how much they hurt or bother me. I know not every remark is a dagger meant for me. That is just ridiculous, and funny if you think about it in a literal sense.

So on this, the eve of starting a new Ward (or in LDS speak- going to a new church location, but same religion), I am making a promise to myself to not apologize. I will introduce Chloe as my daughter, and that is sufficient. Frankly, my life is my business, but I need to be less tender to the perceptions of others. Which is going to be really tough for me. :) In closing, sorry not sorry.

Empathy: Pass It On!

At the behest of some, and by necessity of self, I return to blogging. I think I did all things Social Media for so long, I was tired of hearing my own voice on the interweb. Now that I'm moving on professionally, I feel free once again to move on blog-wise. Aren't you lucky?

The world is a really dark and cruel place. I glance at the headlines, and cannot believe the hatred, thoughtlessness or general apathy mankind has for its own species. For humans to be so capable of beautiful, uplifting things, yet so prone to war, destruction and self-annihilation is downright perplexing to me.

In light of some current events, I would like to make a bold suggestion: let us, as a species, make an effort to have more empathy for one another. Empathy is defined as "the intellectual identification with or vicarious experiencing of the feelings, thoughts, or attitudes of another." In other words, it is the ability to put one's self in another's position; think about what someone else is feeling before judging, commenting or perhaps even acting.

In the recent wake of Robin William's death, I read and heard many uplifting things. But I also read and heard many pernicious things. Especially cruel were sentiments such as, "If you're depressed like him, kill yourself already." and the ever popular sentiment, "People like him [who commit suicide] are such cowards."

I could easily say something like, "Well...I have depression too. That is a really mean thing to say." stomp my foot and move on. But that solution does not sit well with me. I think the bigger issue at hand is the theme of empathy. In our tech-savvy, communication-at-a-distance world, I fear we are losing our humanity, byte by byte. It has become to easy to be the anonymous voice in a growing crowd of disharmony.

During a recent therapy session with my daughter, the therapist looked at me and kindly advised, "Put yourself in her shoes. If you were your daughter in this situation, how would you feel?" I was so grateful for that moment of clarity. As a parent, I am quick to express my expectations, and encourage progress as best as I can. You know how it goes- parents are essentially cheerleaders, coaxing and cheering the little and big victories of our children. Yet somewhere along the way, I had forgotten to put myself in my daughter's shoes and take a look at the world from her point of view, including her past experiences.

And thus, empathy has been on my mind. I need to have more of it towards other people. And I need more empathy from others. But then again, I think we all do. In that way, I think empathy is a lot like mercy: you can never have or give too much.

Elder Neil A. Maxwell of the LDS church said, "As things unfold, sometimes in full view, let us be merciful with each other. We certainly do not criticize hospital patients amid intensive care for looking pale and preoccupied. Why then those recovering from surgery on their souls? Empathy may not be appreciated or reciprocated, but empathy is never wasted." (You can read his April 1999 talk "Lest Ye Be Wearied and Faint In Your Minds" here.) I love this comparison of the physical and emotional/spiritual illness! We can easily spot someone in a cast or with bruises or stitches, but the injuries of the soul most often go unseen.

For this reason, it is essential that we, as a species, step up our efforts to be kind. This kindness towards others, this mercy, costs nothing yet can be worth everything. I invite you to look for opportunities in your lives to open your hearts, your eyes to those around you and have a little empathy. The world will be infinitely better because of your efforts.

Finally....this last bit is very tongue-in-cheek, situation begging empathy, comes from a TV show. it is completely irreverent, yet pretty pointed. Click here for a little lesson on empathy, Supernatural style (no-it is not frightening or offensive).

Good Cop/Bad Cop...or Single, Deranged Mom

It is a scientific fact some species of animals eat their young. Some days, I wish I were that species. I am probably not the greatest mom in the world (not for lack for trying), but I can say I love my little one tween much beyond words or sometimes even actions. Here I shall comment on a difficult phase we're going through (on top of puberty- as if that weren't bad enough). My kid has sticky fingers and a horrific attitude.

First- I confide while asking readers to not judge. Chloe came from a broken home & suffered much at a young age, before coming to live with me. I've hesitated even saying anything to close friends because I am afraid the walls will go up, fingers will be pointed, and my kid's life will be over before it begins. But its not like that. All children having survived through what she has, are bound to have little social issues here & there. We do therapy, we do church, we do strict mom/tia (that's me!).

Here's where it gets tricky. No matter what happens- good, bad and ugly- I am always forced to be the "bad cop." I am and always will be the disciplinarian. There simply is not anyone else there. I make sure I provide abundant positive reinforcement & even incentive programs to help keep her scholastics on-task. We have fun and spend time together, so she knows she is important to me. To be fair, I give her my expectations and corresponding consequences well in advance, with fun boards around the house to serve as reminders. My threats are NEVER idle. You can ask anyone. I stick to my guns. Yet once every few months, we have an "incident" of her taking money from a wallet which does not belong to her.

Its so stinking frustrating. I'm well educated, I've run the gamut of psychological q & a's with her. I've been shouting angry, sobbing sad, and now...just kind of dispirited and left scratching my head. Is there a "bad cop" I can hire through some social services? Maybe mix things up a bit. I'm joking, and of course, I have a plan of action in place and new and more stringent consequences set up for the repeat offender.

And as I type and mull through the day's events, my reactions, her tears- as well as her inability to understand the consequences of her actions, I come to the conclusion that Moms freaking rock. Single moms are going straight to heaven (except for me, because I have a swearing problem yet to be resolved). I will choose to be BOTH good cop and bad cop, and take my meds so I'm not angry, delusional, Deranged Cop.

Feel free to hit me up in the comments if you have any suggestions for me! Single mom far from family is a lonely gig, so I'm always open to advice. :)

Did Someone Hit the Repeat Button?

Life is an adventure. As a single, LDS woman raising a now 11 year old girl, some days are better than others. I joke that many days are like the movie, "Ground Hog's Day", where the hero of the film finds himself in a bit of a time warp, forced the live the same day over and over again (Ground Hog's Day, to be exact). In the movie, this character knows what's going to happen because, well...he's already lived it an infinite number of times. Some days, he is just desperate/apathetic/hopeless to move on to the next day which will never come. On other days, he does his all to make the best of specific circumstances. He tries to help out those in need and set right little wrongs along the way.

Ever experience De'ja vu?

Parenthood is just like Ground Hog's Day (the movie, not the national holiday). Moms (and dads) wake up every morning to assorted children. How they came into our homes does not matter. Adopted kids, foster children, birth children, nieces or nephews...they are our lives. And when they caw (or cry or jump) in the morning, we are suddenly at their beck and call.

I sat down recently to assess our little family dynamic with my niece- whom I call my daughter. Truthfully, we've been in a precarious state of late. She's sorting out the type of things pre-teens often do; kicking up a little bit of attitude and rebellion in the process. On the other hand, she's doing SO much better at school. We've gone from failing to A's & B's. Overall, I'd call our situation a "mixed bag".

But when people ask me, "How are things going?" I nod and smile and say, "Kind of like Ground Hog's Day." Then explain: Each day is new, and with it brings new homework and new micro-challenges, clean clothes and different menu options. But essentially, we just repeat the same days over and over again, until we learn whatever lesson God has planned for us, and then we move on to the next.

With enough nurturing on our part, LOADS of patience, and many hours spent on knees praying, we make it past that singular, repeating day. And our children are grown, entities unto themselves. We will then be parents of adult children (freaked out yet?).

I don't know what I'll do when that day gets here for me. Let me be clear: I relish, love, memorize each moment, every day and keep a mental scrap book of the ephemeral snuggles, giggles and high-fives. But until that day, I'll be parenting in Rinse & Repeat mode. I will continue to make little (and maybe big) changes & advances daily, but I do so with a life-time commitment to stick to it and do my very best. I'm pretty sure we'll survive the process no less for the wear, and perhaps just a bit wiser than we began. :)