The Deepest Cut: The First In a Series

As the title of this blog states, this is the first in a series of blogs. I do not share this information lightly. I have weighed the impact of publicly voicing this part of my life, versus letting people know about my daughter. It has been a very difficult decision. But throughout the process- and healing IS a process- I've found a voice which makes me want to advocate for those who suffer. 

While I haven't blogged frequently of late, I have had a lot on my plate and on my mind. I've been wanting to talk about a very personal family struggle. If you've read my blog before, you know I am very outspoken when it comes to mental health awareness. Being a sufferer of depression and anxiety, I know the highs and the very lows life can deliver. All too often, those struggles are stigmatized and highly misunderstood.

In part, my blogging silence has been due to a bit of a family crisis. One day over the summer, I noticed some pretty deep scratches on my daughter's arm. Concerned, I asked her what had happened. She explained she had cut herself moving. Totally plausible. We had moved and we were all a little black and blue. You know how it goes.

As the summer progressed, I noticed my daughter was more sullen than usual. Which, let's be honest- aren't all 14 year old girls sullen, moody, crabby...need I go on? But there were other little things. Her favorite activity every summer is swimming. We had just moved close to a beautiful city pool, and I was surprised she turned down every single invitation to swim.

By mid-summer I had a hunch all was not well. I couldn't put a finger on it. There were little signs. The lack of interest. Wearing sweatshirts. Avoiding friends. One afternoon, my daughter and I were moving a piece of furniture upstairs. Her shirt sleeve crept up, and my eyes went directly to deep scratches on her arm. I asked her what had happened. "I was helping with yard work and I scratched myself." Nope. My kid would rather have teeth pulled than work on the yard.

I asked again. "Oh, I was helping Abuelo move things and I got cut." Wrong again. I looked into her eyes and asked what I suddenly knew to be true: "Have you been cutting yourself?" She hemmed, hawed, and denied. After about 5 endless minutes on the stairs, she looked at me and answered, "You already said it." And like that, my life shifted permanently. My beautiful daughter was practicing self-harm.

As parents, we try to protect our kids from all sorts of things- germs, creepy strangers, spoiled food, pornography, heartache.... But what do you do and where do you turn, when your child's mind is what they need protecting from?

If you read this & you self harm, have suicidal ideation, depression....or are a parent or friend of someone who struggles with these issues, KNOW THIS: It gets better. You are loved. You are  valued. And tomorrow is a new day. Hang on, hang in. There is help available and life is worth every single moment of struggle.

Half Life Crisis

I celebrated my 40th birthday this year. Along with my birthday came much introspection, prayer and thought. I wasn't at a happy place in my career, which had a domino effect on my life. Anxiety was at an all-time high, patience an all-time low. If you were close to me, you would have seen I wasn't myself. In fact, there were some very dark times (like night. That was a joke.). I had some very troubling thoughts. I struggled in ways I had not previously struggled. And it started to take a toll on my daughter and our relationship.

I literally, woke up one morning, and announced to my family, "I am going to school for something in the realm of medicine." Everyone looked at me quizzically, since my occupation has been in marketing and creative services for the last 15 years. I didn't know what I was going to do, but I knew medicine. I started investigating different options & educational pathways. I just didn't think I had "the brains" for it. Self doubt can be a great distraction from reality...

Strangely, the most critical person in my self-discovery process was my own doctor. I casually mentioned my intentions & possible paths. Immediately, she suggested I shoot for the stars. She was the first person to listen to me and say, "Rebekah, you are smart enough to be a doctor, a lawyer. Let's find your path!" And I really wanted to...but how do you re-design your entire life, mid-way through? I was busy with a job which made me physically ill, but hey- it paid the bills. How do you jump into the unknown?

Then one day I got fired from my job of 2 years. Does it sound horrible if I confess it was a wonderful day in my life? True story. Sure, I was sad, but in the 10 minute commute back to my house, I was over that particular trauma.

Slowly, difficultly, I began to pick up the pieces of my life and reassemble them in a completely new order. I moved into a new home. I had the time to turn the much needed attention to my daughter. I was able to make sense of my feelings and thoughts. I was able to heal. I binged on Netflix. I began to learn I am actually pretty darn smart.

I owe the healing to so many sources. My parents have been ridiculously encouraging. My therapist was able to bring me back from a place of being so very broken. People in my church provided love and support without ever judging me. The Lord gave me breath and a will to heal. That I am functioning, out of bed, not in a fetal position, is nothing short of a miracle. I don't exaggerate.

And oddly, somewhere along the metamorphic path, something in the core of my being has changed. The world is sharper. My heart has just a bit more love. My patience seems to stretch farther. While I may not be able to provide exact details on what happens next, I know it will be amazing. Because I finally, after 40 years, I understand: I am amazing. Be on alert world. Great things are about to happen.