Half Life Crisis

I celebrated my 40th birthday this year. Along with my birthday came much introspection, prayer and thought. I wasn't at a happy place in my career, which had a domino effect on my life. Anxiety was at an all-time high, patience an all-time low. If you were close to me, you would have seen I wasn't myself. In fact, there were some very dark times (like night. That was a joke.). I had some very troubling thoughts. I struggled in ways I had not previously struggled. And it started to take a toll on my daughter and our relationship.

I literally, woke up one morning, and announced to my family, "I am going to school for something in the realm of medicine." Everyone looked at me quizzically, since my occupation has been in marketing and creative services for the last 15 years. I didn't know what I was going to do, but I knew medicine. I started investigating different options & educational pathways. I just didn't think I had "the brains" for it. Self doubt can be a great distraction from reality...

Strangely, the most critical person in my self-discovery process was my own doctor. I casually mentioned my intentions & possible paths. Immediately, she suggested I shoot for the stars. She was the first person to listen to me and say, "Rebekah, you are smart enough to be a doctor, a lawyer. Let's find your path!" And I really wanted to...but how do you re-design your entire life, mid-way through? I was busy with a job which made me physically ill, but hey- it paid the bills. How do you jump into the unknown?

Then one day I got fired from my job of 2 years. Does it sound horrible if I confess it was a wonderful day in my life? True story. Sure, I was sad, but in the 10 minute commute back to my house, I was over that particular trauma.

Slowly, difficultly, I began to pick up the pieces of my life and reassemble them in a completely new order. I moved into a new home. I had the time to turn the much needed attention to my daughter. I was able to make sense of my feelings and thoughts. I was able to heal. I binged on Netflix. I began to learn I am actually pretty darn smart.

I owe the healing to so many sources. My parents have been ridiculously encouraging. My therapist was able to bring me back from a place of being so very broken. People in my church provided love and support without ever judging me. The Lord gave me breath and a will to heal. That I am functioning, out of bed, not in a fetal position, is nothing short of a miracle. I don't exaggerate.

And oddly, somewhere along the metamorphic path, something in the core of my being has changed. The world is sharper. My heart has just a bit more love. My patience seems to stretch farther. While I may not be able to provide exact details on what happens next, I know it will be amazing. Because I finally, after 40 years, I understand: I am amazing. Be on alert world. Great things are about to happen.

3:18

It is 3:18 a.m., and for the I-don't-even-know-how-many-times, I am still very much awake. I'm lying in a perfectly quiet, dark room. My bed is made. The dogs are asleep in their bed. The evening is cool. I am listening to the whir of the ceiling fan and the cadence of crickets. For all intents and purposes, it is a perfectly lovely night.

The problem is, it is night. And while the world rests, I cannot. I am weary. I can almost feel the neurons  firing in my brain as I try to find a solution. I am, if nothing, logical. There must be an origin, a cause to my sleeplessness. Sadly, the only thing I can discern is that I am in desperate need of a massage (and...probably a good 5 or 6 hours of sleep).

In the "Bright Idea" section, I come up with the idea to google "insomnia". There are 544,000 suggestions for "Hypnosis" as a cure. I vaguely ponder the probability of finding a hypnotist at this hour. This line of inquiry isn't really panning out for me. Back to the blog.

I suffer from generalized anxiety disorder. Anxiety has been my sidekick for nearly a decade now. Some times I feel shame when I verbalize that. "I have anxiety," just doesn't sound cool, it sounds weak. I don't want to betray myself by seeming weak to others. Yet it is my very own struggle, and I try to own it.This week, tonight, it is owning me. I don't like to be owned. 

For now, I lie awake, trying to con my subconscious into submission: Relent! I wonder if I should call my mother on the East Coast to chat. Although early, she would still answer the phone. She'll worry, I'll feel guilty, and then 2 of us would be awake instead of one. Not a viable solution. I almost giggle out loud because this is pretty ridiculous. I'm talking to myself, typing and am no closer to getting off to the Land of Nod. Now my contacts are dry from blinking at the computer screen.

I won't always have anxiety. At some point in my life, it will abate. I will overcome. Or not. I'll adapt and thrive. But whatever happens down the road, one thing is clear: I'll not sleep tonight.