05 September 2011


It is 3:18 a.m., and for the I-don't-even-know-how-many-times, I am still very much awake. I'm lying in a perfectly quiet, dark room. My bed is made. The dogs are asleep in their bed. The evening is cool. I am listening to the whir of the ceiling fan and the cadence of crickets. For all intents and purposes, it is a perfectly lovely night.

The problem is, it is night. And while the world rests, I cannot. I am weary. I can almost feel the neurons  firing in my brain as I try to find a solution. I am, if nothing, logical. There must be an origin, a cause to my sleeplessness. Sadly, the only thing I can discern is that I am in desperate need of a massage (and...probably a good 5 or 6 hours of sleep).

In the "Bright Idea" section, I come up with the idea to google "insomnia". There are 544,000 suggestions for "Hypnosis" as a cure. I vaguely ponder the probability of finding a hypnotist at this hour. This line of inquiry isn't really panning out for me. Back to the blog.

I suffer from generalized anxiety disorder. Anxiety has been my sidekick for nearly a decade now. Some times I feel shame when I verbalize that. "I have anxiety," just doesn't sound cool, it sounds weak. I don't want to betray myself by seeming weak to others. Yet it is my very own struggle, and I try to own it.This week, tonight, it is owning me. I don't like to be owned. 

For now, I lie awake, trying to con my subconscious into submission: Relent! I wonder if I should call my mother on the East Coast to chat. Although early, she would still answer the phone. She'll worry, I'll feel guilty, and then 2 of us would be awake instead of one. Not a viable solution. I almost giggle out loud because this is pretty ridiculous. I'm talking to myself, typing and am no closer to getting off to the Land of Nod. Now my contacts are dry from blinking at the computer screen.

I won't always have anxiety. At some point in my life, it will abate. I will overcome. Or not. I'll adapt and thrive. But whatever happens down the road, one thing is clear: I'll not sleep tonight.